Oftentimes the biggest complaint that parents have about their preschoolers is their big temper tantrums. They can seem completely irrational and unnecessary to adults, and a pain to deal with to boot. I mean, just put your shoes on so we can leave already, am I right? It can be so tempting to dismiss these outbursts in the service of getting something done or getting somewhere on time: leaving the house, grocery shopping, getting dressed. It can be so frustrating and overwhelming to try to take care of this child that is making it so hard for you to do just that. In my work with parents I usually offer a four step “script” that they can use when it seems like nothing else will work.
Some important background information to help you get started
First, it’s important to understand just a little bit about a toddler’s brain development. A person’s brain isn’t fully developed until early adulthood, about age 21 for women and about age 25 for men. The brain develops from the inside out, so that the last part of the brain to be fully developed is the prefrontal cortex, which is where self regulation comes from. The emotions are housed in the amygdala, which is deep inside the brain, so that they are developed early. What this means for your toddler is that she is all emotion, and no self-regulation. When she feels an emotion, such as happiness, excitement, anger or sadness, she feels this emotion as an intense full body experience. You might see your child throwing herself on the floor in agony.
Second, it’s important to remember that emotions are contagious. You might have had the experience of feeling happy when around a happy person, or sad when around a sad person. Since we are social beings, it makes sense that another person’s emotions would so deeply affect us at times. You may have the experience of feeling agitated and stressed when your child is tantruming. However, it is important that you, as the parent with the fully developed brain, regulate your own emotions so that you don’t inadvertently make your child feel more upset because she’s picking up on your upset. So, take a deep breath, count to ten, do whatever you can to calm down, get down to their eye level and then do these four steps in order:
Four steps to calming your emotional toddler
1. Reflect their emotions. “You’re SO angry!” “You’re showing me how angry you are!” For some kids, this can have an instantly calming effect. You’re helping to put words to their experience so that eventually they can learn to identify their feelings for themselves and express them verbally instead of by screaming and throwing things.
2. Give them a reason. Tell them why they are feeling the way they are. There is always a valid reason for what they are feeling. Emotions don’t happen in a vacuum. “You’re so mad because you really want that toy and I won’t let you have it.” You’re showing your child that you understand why they are upset. You are also helping them to understand their upset when it might not be so clear to them. “You are so tired!” “You don’t like it when Mommy and Daddy talk about you”. Sometimes it might not be so clear to you why they are upset. I recommend avoiding questioning the child: “Why are you upset?” because oftentimes they don’t know themselves and they can feel added stress when they are put on the spot to figure it out. This can make them even more upset.
3. Separate the behavior from the feelings. “It’s not okay to hit Mommy!” Remember that it is important that your child knows emotions are okay to have. There is always a justifiable reason for her to be upset. What is not acceptable is the behavior, not the emotion. Your child needs an acceptable way to show their anger, frustration, or sadness. If a child starts to believe that their feelings and emotions are wrong, they will learn to internalize that they themselves are bad for having them.
4. Redirect the behavior. What is acceptable for you, the parent? “You can hit this pillow”. “You can go outside and scream”. A child needs an appropriate way to express emotions or else they will learn to bottle them up or hide them. This can lead to internalizing symptoms, such as depression and anxiety that can have long lasting impact in the child’s life and be more difficult to heal.
Put it all together: “You’re are so mad at Mommy right now because you don’t want to put your shoes on. It’s okay to be mad but it’s not okay to hit Mommy. You can say, ‘I’m so mad at you Mommy!”
Some important reminders to help you along the way
It’s important that you do these four steps in this order. Reflecting and validating a child’s feelings will get their attention and help them to calm down. Condemning the behavior and trying to redirect it just won’t work if your child is not listening because she feels like you don’t understand. Like anyone who doesn’t feel heard, she will just get louder and louder in the hopes that you will finally understand her.
How quickly this process works and how effective it is really depends on you and your child. There is no one size fits all approach when it comes to human beings. It may take you and your child to get the hang of it after a few missteps or bumps in the road. It may work right away. Problems that don’t seem to go away no matter what might need the intervention of a professional to guide you through blind spots and trouble areas.
Let me know how it goes in the comments below!
